10
Mar
11

Illinois Abolishes Capital Punishment, Signs your Death Warrent

Last year the Supreme Court (aka The Constitutional Bro Coalition) deemed Chicago’s 20 year-old hand gun ban “totally harsh” and “very unBro-Like”. Citing the Second Amendment, the court ruling affirmed the long standing belief that “when nigga’s be getting out of line, they must be dealt with” or at the very least pistol whipped “across they bitch face”. This is important for several reasons. First, restricting access to weapons has directly restricted my right of self expression. Being a Bro of high moral character as I am, I must follow the letter of law. Thusly, I certainly WANT to shoot you in the face; however, I will not be breaking any laws to do so. By arming the populace legally, you effectively knock down the largest barrier to entry into the criminal world, i.e. crime.

I sense you understand my alarm following yesterday’s decision to eliminate the use of Capital Punishment in the state of Illinois. Essentially eliminating lex talionis for murder, you have removed the only real deterrent I can think of. Obviously, people don’t kill each other because they them selves do not want to be killed. My murderous tendencies have been kept at bay thus far due in no small part because I find my own execution to be far too severe a punishment.

The folly of my local government has essentially opened a Pandora’s Box, wherein the citizens of this fair city now have limitless access to fire arms, and an incentive to use them. I don’t feel I am over stating the situation I find my self in, and if my near flawless view of human nature serves me, this should make for an interesting Saint Patrick’s Day celebration. Let’s call it the St. Patrick’s Day Massacre.

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