Bollyhood- The Epic Voyage of An International Man of Mystery: Volume 1

I know absolutely zero things about the United Arab Emirates. As I look to diversify my understanding of different cultures(mainly to choose the ones I hate and want nothing to do with. I assure you it’s not an effort to make me a better person, believe that), I strive to seek as much information as possible. What better way to do that than my very own, personal, brown Austin Powers?

A close friend and honorary member of the BroCo, Adi, was sent to work in Dubai. I’m fairly certain he is a spy. I don’t think anyone is clear on exactly why he’s over there; all we know is he makes sick loot and has something to do with the military. It’s kind of like when you ask an extremely rich, well connected Italian man what he does for a living, and he says he works construction as a “Union delegate”. Hey, whatever helps you sleep at night.

Back to the task at hand: From what I gather so far, there is no porn allowed there, but there’s an intricate way to snake around it, just so you can stay connected to your daily smut fix. I also learned that making 9 drunken phone calls at 12:30am Dubai time(3:30pm EST) will cost you $27. So far, I am severely unimpressed, as you kinda lost me at no porn. I don’t know if I can have any involvement in somewhere that I can’t access porn at the drop of a hat. You are a stronger man than I, sir. I will not, however, let this minor detail deter my investigation of the Middle Eastern way of life.

A few positive notes from the U.A.E. is the fact that the aforementioned gentleman is having a fantastic time in a very exciting experience in his life, not to mention the breath-taking cityscape, and the fact that Walmart Wolverines exist there, and are consistently as shitty.

Adi has the swag and skin color of Wilt Chamberlain. Being a brown person, he blends in well with the locals, but his lack of a uni-brow lets the ladies know he’s something out of the ordinary. Once that certain sense of intrigue from the ladies kicks in, my man will clean up.

I nearly vomited Google searching images of uni-brows. It’s terrible
The Dubai cityscape speaks for itself.

Now the Taliban (Walmart) Wolverine is where this all gets really rewarding for me.
“Proof that most Michigan fans didn’t go to Michigan – this picture was taken in Afghanistan. Forget Walmart Wolverines, they have Taliban Wolverines there.” – Adi

I love how non-student Michigan fans hide behind the facade that they are a part of something better than anything they are actually involved in. My hatred for UofM aside, they do have traditionally elite athletics, top 20 academics in the country, etc. but this proves that 95% of their fans are bandwagon posers. Find me one Afghani that can point out Ann Arbor on a map and I’ll post a “Prove It!” blog within seconds, and FedEx overnight out a blank map so said stranger can put their money where their mouth is . These “fans” never cease to amaze me. At least in the Midwest you probably have a relative along the way that went to UofM or that’s just the team you grew up with. Quite understandable. But the audacity of these fucking people. I would not want to be associated with terrorists as a part of my fan base. I guess you gotta hand it to them for their douchebag-esque pride and perseverance.

Adi is going to keep me updated on his shenanigans and the crazy goings on in the land of the sand. He is also going to guest blog every once in a while when he finds the time, so check back periodically to live vicariously through him.

Good luck, bud! Stay safe.


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