April in the D means rain and Wings

Zach Konnie, ladies and gentlemen. Great job today, Zach!

EDITOR’S NOTE- I had to jump in and calabo with the Wild one on this post. I think I’m somewhere between a Wing-Nut and an Octopussy Monster so you know I had to chime in. My take will be in italics. 

Well in all my 25 years on Sigourney Weaver’s planet earth I’ve seen the Wings in the playoffs 20 of them. And they’ve won the cup 20% of the time. It’s easy to take the Wings inevitable playoff appearance for granted after so many years; but here at the Coalition, we sing to the tune of “Hey Hey Hockeytown!” all spring long. And after watching last nights game I’ve broken Wings fans down to 3(5) categories:

The “Waste of a Ticket”: I must start off by saying that although we find these on the low end of the Wings fan totem pole, they are 95% of the time slam piece broads. The trophy wife type. I’m sure you’re well aware. Between questions like “What number is Tayshaun Prince? and “Can we go soon?(when there’s clearly 12:43 left in the second peroid) No matter how annoying they maybe be, you’re stuck between a rock and a hard place. Do I stay and enjoy myself or do I follow the lady that would rather get drunk than watch the game I spent $100 on? Sometimes you follow the lady because that’s the only way I’m going to get any suction on my fuck-tion.

The “Townies”: these are the folks who are so accustomed to the Wings making the playoffs that it just doesn’t excite them anymore. As a resident of Hockeytown they are fans by default and say “hey, wake me up when they’re playing in June.” (See: Black guys and metrosexuals)

The “Casual Fan”: granted they will watch every game when it’s on, but that’s mainly because they live with a Wing-Nut or they’re at the bar hanging out and they have no other choice. This person is normally a significant other or an alcoholic friend that over time picks up a lot of hot knowledge about the Wings and basically watches for the fights and Mickey Redmond’s antics. “Mickey Redmond drinking game”® coming soon. 

The “Wing-Nuts”: here’s where most Detroit-ers fall under, myself included. These guys grow their beards from day one of the playoffs, and gain about 10-20 lbs of beer weight depending on how deep into the postseason the Wings go. The Wings trump most things for these fellas (work, school, wives, etc.). And the top level Wing-Nuts sneak slimy sea creatures into the game to toss onto the ice. A milestone in one’s life. (The Wild one hits the nail on the head. Eat.Booze.RedWings.)

And finally, the Octopussy monsters: These guys live for one thing and one thing only; Red Wings Hockey. I know a lot of you think “I bleed red and white,” but you guys aren’t on quite the same level. I’m talking about the 1 dude at the Joe that is so confident the Wings will win, he waits ’til 2 minutes left in the 3rd period to throw his octopus on the ice. Nothing says dedication like sitting through 58 minutes of hockey with a slimy octopus taped to the inside of your leg. Everyone around looks at you weird as you down 7 Molson XXX’s and stink of sea water, while hotdog debris get stuck in your beard that grows abnormally fast. It’s these fans that set Detroit head and shoulders above the rest when it comes to hockey playoffs. Godspeed octopussy monsters. (Ok these guys are intense. These men would glue pubes (that have been growing longer than their beards) to their face, just to add to the beard. Bro knows all the referees by name and won’t go berserk when they make a bad call, but disappointingly disagree with a “C’mon, Dan”, in the same tone you’d use if you’re boy pissed himself. He has no family because the fans are his siblings, the refs are his buddies and scapegoats, the beer vendor is his bartender, and the stadium seat is his recliner. The Joe is his home, and rightfully so.)

Happy playoffs bros.

-Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone because my work blocks my blog page


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April 2011
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