Shit I learned from bitches I wasn’t fucking

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Maybe I’m writing this because my bitch roommate ate my last HotPocket. Maybe, because I haven’t been laid since the first moon walk. Definitely because all hoes are crazy!

I am pretty certain at some point you have thought this about a current or ex-girlfriend, but I am convinced this principal applies more universally. There is a significant difference between men and women that has become seriously apparent to me since I have started living with them. Like Skynet, we are self-aware. A dude knows what he is, and can define himself like a Webster dictionary. There is little to no contradiction to be found in the male psyche, and we will most definitely express what we are thinking in a clear and concise way. Unfortunately this is not at all how the feeble woman brain works, and I will demonstrate below.

If a woman ever says “I am super laid back” it means “I like the idea of being laid back, but in reality I am psychotic like the rest of my gender”

If a woman ever says “I hate drama” it means “I like the idea of hating drama, but in reality I am psychotic like the rest of my gender”

And most importantly

If a woman ever says “I love watching sports” it means “I like the idea of watching sports, but in reality I am psychotic like the rest of my gender”

Moral of my story, the chicks you’re not banging are as gross as the ones you are. Hair everywhere, dumps that would clog a high flow toilet, and an attitude that would strip the finish off a bowling lane. Of course I love women, but they are not like us, and the better we understand how their brains work, the better our chances of survival.

Marilyn Gaga

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Marilyn Manson and Lady Gaga are the same person, right? I am breaking one of my rules here when I say I strive to avoid all things Gaga related because I think she is the biggest attention whore in pop culture history, not to mention a talentless tranny. However, I stumbled upon a picture of her new album cover and it looks like if Marilyn Manson was a man. I mean he’s a man in a sense that he has a Y chromosome, but after seeing the picture above, I’m convinced he has tits and a nub for a genitalia. Y chromosome revoked. 

“Show me your wiener, you tranny!”

That Gaga cover above depicts the most dude looking chick I’ve ever seen in my life. It’s not one of those things where a bro had mass amounts of devil’s water at the bar and the “girl” he was hitting on happened to have a dong. It’s like, “why is this dude in a dress hitting on me? Am I accidentally at a gay bar?”(Side note: My friends accidentally went to a gay bar in Chicago because a lady friend gave us a tip that it’s a good bar. When we met them up, Wild Steve got threatened with a Baretta because we tried to tell our boy that the black guy with a lisp buying him drinks wasn’t just being “really cool”).

Classic Manson move with the mic cord noose.

You’re not fooling me Marilyn Manson/Lady Gaga, but I don’t blame you for trying. You see the market for Scream-o/Metal fell off in 1999 and you gotta get that chedd somehow. The whole removing-a-rib-to-blow-yourself publicity didn’t really pan out, so he removed his Adam’s apple, started hitting his high notes, and hired a better publicist.

America loves a comeback right, Britney?    

Sagnasty Panty Thief gets a year

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SAGINAW, MI – A man who authorities say broke into a Saginaw-area woman’s home and was caught naked from the waist down holding a pair of pink panties has been sentenced to a year in jail.

Saginaw County Circuit Judge Darnell Jackson this week sentenced 35-year-old Jayson K. Berde for second-degree home invasion and resisting and obstructing a police officer causing injury. Berde earlier pleaded guilty in the case. In exchange, an initial charge of first-degree home invasion was dropped.

Authorities say he broke into a woman’s home March 17 in Saginaw County’s Thomas Township, and apparently knew her through an ex-boyfriend.

Police caught him nearby, and an officer suffered minor abrasions trying to apprehend him.

I don’t want to live in a world where blacking out and stealing your buddy’s ex-girlfriend’s panties on St. Patrick’s Day is a crime. People should be exempt from all misdemeanors committed on that day. Isn’t it your God given right to use St. Patty’s as an excuse for getting incoherently hammered and doing something preposterous? This is just standard procedure if you ask me. Give him a fine, maybe slap him with a restraining order. But a year in jail? Come onnnn, mann! 20 bucks says someone I know does something equally as creepy and twice as hilarious this year, but come March 18 its water under the bridge…

For the record:

The Coalition not only appreciates behavior like this, we encourage it. Otherwise what would we blog about? You can only post so many stories about the Pistons losing, Miggy drinking, how many consecutive Cups the Wings will win and who we think the Lions will draft. So keep it up Michigan. America. We need your shortcomings in order to provide the people with verbal porn.

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Ebensburg, PA – Police plan to cite two men who left a package containing a cow’s head on the doorstep of some friends in Pennsylvania.
Ebensburg police Chief Terry Wyland tells the Tribune-Democrat of Johnstown that it was a “prank” that “went quite a bit over the top.” The chief says a couple returned home from a trip Saturday evening to find a large cardboard box with their name and address on it near their front door. Inside was the cow’s head. The chief says it “caused the victims, especially the wife, stress.” Police say the pranksters came to police headquarters to confess Tuesday night. One of them has experience butchering cows.

This is nothing compared to the pranks we used to pull as adolescents. To avenge the destruction of our famous tree fort, we flung eggs at the house, decorated the vehicles with paint removers, and performed activities that can’t be spoken of involving strategically placed fecal matter and bodily fluids. We used to tape fishing line to the glass door with bolts hanging so you could run across the street, hide in the bushes, and knock on the door for literally 8 hours. It would keep people up all night, terrified, ready to blow their brains out because they thought they were hallucinating some type of civil terrorism.

A cow’s head on the door step? How sophomoric. Randy and Billy Bob here must have planned this for a whole 5 minutes. And who are these pussy “victims” Waaaaahhh! There’s a cow head on my porch! Waaaahhh! At least these people weren’t Italian mobsters that you fucked with or that shit would be laying on your pillow. You’d be snuggling up with this steer for hours before you even knew your house was broken into. Boop-idda, Boop. Beep-idda, Beep. Just another Tuesday night, Fuhgetaboudit. You’re lrasi and the fish. 

Libyan Democracy?

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Why don’t you ask Doc Fucking Brown if the Libyans can be trusted? Shits been known since 85.

Is it Friday Yet?

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On any given week Friday is my least productive work day, followed closely by the days Monday – Thursday. Obviously, this is due in part because Thursday night continues to be, since the dawn of time, the best night to party. I mean when you offer to sell me beers for $1 and chicken wings for 25 cents it goes without saying I am going to consume both in excess, but I’m getting away from the point. The consequence of the school night party, is the work day hang-over and I am going to give you a few tips to successfully navigate this most unpleasant day.

1. Snooze Early Snooze Often

Feel free to hit that snooze button a few extra times, it’s a drop in the bucket in terms of the sleep you have already sacrificed, but it’s going to help you get mentally prepared for the day. The last thing you want to do is hop straight out of bed and get to it, if a crucial injury is going to occur, now is the time, so pace your self.

2. Show up late

Don’t think you will be able to conceal the state your in, you were marked before you walked in the door, wrinkled shirt, glassy crusty eyes, smelling like a bottle of Jack. Remember, before your boss was your boss, he was a bro and as such he knows what you will be capable of today, nothing. Don’t think of it as being truant, think of it as fulfilling everyone’s expectations.

3. Pace Yourself

I cannot stress this point enough, too many times I’ve seen the weary Friday worker come out of the gates strong, fueled on the residual effects of last nights booze, only to spend the late morning calling dinosaurs on the restroom floor. Be honest with yourself, you will be as useful as stacked shit. Today is not the day to go for the title belt, survival is the goal.

4. Suck it up

The only thing more annoying than alcohol induced brain pain, is the dude in the cube next door bitching about his. We get it, you’re a party boy, now stop making my morning sound like a Miley Cyrus record. Stay the course and you will be rewarded, sick days were meant for homecoming weekend, or the day after the Flaming Lips show July 7^th Aragon Ball Room, Extra tickets available! So don’t waste one here.

Hope you found this guide helpful, and while I cannot promise this won’t get you fired, I can promise that it will get you as close to neutral as any other method know to man. I mean isn’t that the point after all? Because, dude, it’s Friday and happy hour starts at 5, don’t let your vag get in the way of everyone’s good time.